Living with a Drinker

08/08/08 Nothing Ever Changes

2008-08-09T11:08:47+02:00

After being good for a week, mostly because I was home, I came home from work to the usual Friday night scene. Kids still up and running around hyper (bearing in mind I get home a 9pm), lights on everywhere and hubby sitting on the sofa drunk. He knew the first thing I'd do was open the bin and count the empties, so the crafty git emptied the bin before I come home, but didn't get as far as putting a liner in.

I really hated him last night and I still do today. I NEEDED him to be sober when I came home as I had a horrible shift and was told (unfairly in my opinion and that of the union rep) that I needed a disciplinary because of my absence!!! WITH I was off last week because the Dr signed me off with a throat infection, the last time I was off was 5 MONTHS ago for one day when I told them I had a stomach upset (it was really my baby who had rotavirus but after a previous meeting where I didn't take a union rep I was told I would have a disciplinary if I had one more absence because of my kids so I said it was me who was ill) 5 MONTHS before that I was off for one day when I had to rush my middle child to hospital and I really thought I was going to lose her. So in 10 months I'd had 2 absences. Unfortunately a week before I had to rush my child to the hospital I'd had a meeting as I'd had 3 absences in less than 6mths (it was averaging out one a month) but they were all to do with my baby being ill and one when I couldn't find a babysitter and I phoned the day before to try and organise something.

According to the union all my absences due to my kids are classes as mitigating and shouldn't count towards my absence and other people have them classed as mitigating and taken off. My 2nd Absence meeting I didn't take a union rep in with me as I honestly thought I wouldn't need one as I'd had to rush my child to hospital and surely if anything was mitigating then that was. That turned out to be a big mistake as the two managers really went to town and had me in tears and that's when I was told if I had another absence due to my kids then I would have a disciplinary.

In March my youngest caught rotavirus which is a highly contagious stomach bug giving the child severe sickness and diarrhea, in fact it closed the local nursery the week earlier and my middle child couldn't attend nursery that week as her sister had it because it's that contagious. After my previous absence meeting I was too scared to say it was my baby who was ill and said I was the one who was ill. This time I had a completely different manager who looked in the book and said that all my absences due to my children were mitigating and knocked them off my record, even though they were about to expire anyway.

So yesterday I had an absence meeting and I spoke to 2 union reps who said I should be OK and what I should expect to be given. The meeting took an HOUR which is a lot longer than they usually take and 3 times I was sent out whilst the 2 managers (2 I'd never had before as both are quite new to the store) discussed my absence. In an absence meeting they're only supposed to look at my absence over the past 6mths but for some reason they decided to look at all my absence and they disagreed that my issues with my children were mitigating and they even consulted with the new personnel manager who also said it wasn't mitigating and therefore, despite the fact that in 10 months I've had 2 absences, because I'd had 4 absence meetings I have to have a disciplinary which could result in a verbal warning!!!

I really feel pissed off and I don't think my absence is that much of an issue. I've done whatever they've said in previous meetings and I've done everything I can to limit my absence. WTH do they want me to do, go to work whilst my child's at hospital and I don't know if she's living or dying, leave them home alone whilst I go to work!!! That's what it feels like they want me to do which is just stupid. My children will always come first to me and if I can't go to work then it's just tough!!! Hell they knew I had 3 small children when they took me on so they must've been aware that this could be an issue.

So anyway I had all that happen at work and I was totally pissed off and just wanted to walk out. I knew as well that when I got home he'd probably be pissed and I was right. I'd had such a shit day, that even though I'm not a big drinker I drank a whole bottle of wine that had been reduced because of the label being damaged. Hell I drank most of the bottle on the train home.

Even though I had drunk a whole bottle of wine, I was still more sober than my husband was. Of course then I was the bad guy for sending the kids to bed as they were having so much fun playing with daddy! I'm sick of having to be the bad guy all the time and I'm sick of having no support from my husband. I'm always supporting him, but he's never there when I need him.

Not long after we got together I left a job I'd done for 6yrs (thanks to someone lying about me and the managers believing that person even though she's known to be a trouble maker) I jumped before I was pushed and I came home to find hubby in the pub. That night I decided I'd had enough of him and I packed my car to leave him. Because I sent his sister a text saying goodbye (I actually got on with her at the time, I don't now) she persuaded me to go to her house and we drank a bottle of wine and I decided to forgive him and went back after he apologised. I don't regret going back cos if I hadn't I wouldn't have my gorgeous children, but that's what always happens. 9/10 whenever I need him, he's always drunk and it's always on a Friday or a Saturday night!!!

We've had words this morning, after I spent the night on the sofa again, mostly watching TV cos I couldn't sleep, and he's not really apologised but has asked why I have a disciplinary. I just feel like he doesn't care about me at all or what I'm going through. He puts his drinking before me and what kind of marriage is that.

I know I need to pray cos God is the only one who can help him change, but I'm just feeling so warn out and defeated. I take my wedding vows seriously but I am just so tired of worrying about him having money and getting drunk, especially when he is looking after the children. If anything happened to them, then they would throw the book at him. I tried to get Saturdays off work for this reason but I've been told I can't so there's no point in asking for Fridays off either.

What I don't understand is the day after he's been drinking he feels pains in his chest and starts panicking that he's gonna have a heart attack. I'm sorry but if I felt like that it would put me off drinking. Hell I get stomach ache and start feeling sick when I'm drinking which is always the point at which I stop.

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Saturday 2nd August 2008 - The morning after

2008-08-02T21:47:25+02:00

First of all I have to say a big THANK YOU for the comments I have been left. I didn't think anyone would read my blog, let alone the day I started it and your comments are really uplifting. It's nice to know that I am not alone and that people don't judge me for sticking with my binge drinking husband.

This morning he managed to make it to work in time. I spent the night on the sofa, even when he asked me why I just didn't answer and pretended to be asleep. Once he'd gone to bed, I checked to make sure the alarm was set, which it was. I'm a lightsleeper anyway and I heard him get up before the alarm cos he was downstairs having breakfast when the alarm went off. I got up and switched the alarm off and then climbed into bed, where my two young daughters were already sleeping!

When he arrived home halfway through his shift I honestly thought he'd been sent home, but he'd just come to get a house key in case I was out when he finished. Luckily we had our last dole payment today as he's just started a new job so we had some money. We were planning to go to search for the cat, all of us this time, but the phone wasn't working cos we'd missed a payment so I had to pay that. I then reminded him that what he'd wasted in booze yesterday could have paid that bill.

He accepted that but also claimed that it was because I'd called the cat stupid that's why he'd gone on a bender! I told him I hadn't called the cat stupid, I'd called him stupid for spending so much money. £15 I could accept for train fare, lunch and drinks, but £40 seems too excessive. Especially as he didn't come home with any change!!!

Today's been pretty calm. He's been subdued and feeling the effects of his bender as well as feeling ashamed of himself

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Update on 1st August 2008

2008-08-01T23:25:19+02:00

Well he finally arrived home only 2hrs after his train arrived!!! And as I expected he was hammered.

The kids as usual were excited to see him, and for some reason they all seem to have more fun together when he's drunk which seems kinda screwey to me. Is that a good thing or a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad when he's sober, he just seems to mess around with them more and they enjoy it more.

Tonight didn't go to bad. He was spoiling for a fight and didn't like me ignoring him, but I didn't have anything to say to him. I got the kids to bed and when I went downstairs, I came back up to find the kids sitting on the sofa with him so of course I was the bad guy when I sent them up to bed. I was such a bad guy they didn't even want me to take them up to bed, they just wanted daddy!!!

Not long ater that he fell asleep on the chair so at least I got to watch Hairspray on DVD for the first time (good movie, little slow but I enjoyed the ending. Didn't like John Travolter though, especially the voice and accent!!!). Towards the end of the movie he woke up and kept trying to shove his private in my face (how romantic and charming!!!) Then he realised the chair was wet cos he wet himself and he decided to blame me!!!

He then took himself off to bed and he's supposed to be at work at 7am, lets see if he can make it!!!

Now he's asleep on the bed but I really don't want to sleep with him tonight. Guess it's another night on the sofa for me!!!

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Why blog???

2008-08-01T18:39:10+02:00

After living with my husband for 7yrs, you might wonder why I would start writing a blog about my experiences of life with a binge drinker now. That surely after 7yrs I would be used to it.

The reason is simple, although I am aware of God's promise to help my husband deal with his drink problem, I am also aware that it won't happen overnight. My husband has to make a conscious effort NOT to drink and to find another way of dealing with problems without resorting to a can of larger. He also has to learn to stop when he has had enough, rather than waiting until he has run out of money or is passed out.

God can do miracles, but some things take a little longer and we have to have patience. God has a plan for our lives and ours is not to question why but just to ask Him for guidance and accept that everything he does for us is because He loves us.

But whilst I'm waiting for God to change my husband, I realised that I needed something now. Somewhere I could write and record my own feelings and fears, where no one would judge either of us and where I could be totally honest. A place where I can vent, cry and find healing as I bear my soul.

Just as my husband needs to find a way to deal with his problems without resorting to alcohol, I also need to find a way to deal with the feelings I have when he is drunk or out drinking.

I have no one I can talk to who won't judge, apart from my pastor, but she has her own life to live as well and I don't like keep contacting her whenever he is drunk or out drinking. I know it's what she's there for and that she wouldn't mind as she is that sort of person, but I am not. I'm a shy person except when I'm online. Online I can be who I want to be, a more confident and happy person.

So there is my reason for writing this blog, hopefully I will remember to note when he has been good and not had a drink, rather than just when he has had a drink!!

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1st August 2008

2008-08-01T18:25:22+02:00

Today is the 1st August 2008 and the day I decided to write a blog. I realised when I sent my husband a text, he will not read or care about, I needed someplace to write my thoughts and feelings and this is how it all started.

Hubby had a day off from work today and he decided to go and look for our missing 7yr old cat. Our 1st baby as we've had her almost as long as we've been together. She's missing in a town about 40 miles away after I asked a girl from work to watch her whilst we went away and this girl then went and let the cat out!!! He spent Tuesday looking for her and went again today, so that's £12 on train fare for 2 days searching and still no sign of her.

For some reason, when he left to catch the train he took £30 from the bank but then he claimed his reasons were so I would call him and confront him about taking so much! We spoke several times on the phone and after he'd taken a further £10 out of the bank, making it £40 he had I started to get cross and accused him of leaving us with no money for food for the week and that the cat wasn't even worth £40 so why the hell did he need so much money to find her. He claimed he needed some for lunch and that chips were expensive where he was, to which I countered where did he go? The Ritz? I asked him if he'd been drinking and he denied that he had, but I can always tell through his voice when he has and I knew he was lying and had been drinking. I even told him that he won't find the cat in the pub as I very much doubt she'd go there.

I guessed what time train he would arrive home on so I took the kids to the train station to meet him. He didn't seem that happy to see us and as soon as I saw him I could tell he was drunk. He didn't care though and was spoiling for a fight. When I said we needed to go shopping for something for tea, he claimed he needed the toilet and headed towards the public loos. Somehow I wasn't surprised when he wasn't at home when we arrived home. Somehow I wasn't surprised when he wouldn't answer his phone, and somehow I'm not surprised that nearly two hours later he isn't home.

I'm so sick of being the responsible one. Why can't I be the one who disappears for the whole day, with no kids, doing what I want and wasting £40. I can't remember when I last spent so much money on myself!!! My bra's are falling too pieces and so are my clothes, but I would rather spend all my money on my kids than on myself and it doesn't feel fair at all. We haven't got much money, and his £40 has left us with out £30 for the week to buy food for 5!!!

I know he's upset about the cat. I've seen him get tearful over her bowls and not seeing her, and I know wondering around a strange town calling for her and thinking every black cat is her is gonna be hard. But still that's no excuse to get drunk and I dread to think what the inhabitants thought seeing this strange man walking through town shouting a name over and over with a can of larger in one hand and a bag with more cans in the other.

I wonder what time he'll be home?? No doubt when he comes in he'll be spoiling for an argument and will soon pass out. Guess for the WHOLE of today, including bed and bath time, I'm a single parent.

Some days I think it would be better if I was all the time. But I made my vows in front of God and I have to honour them, for better or worse and trust that one day this will be a distant memory as I have a new man through God in my husband!

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