Living with a Drinker

The kids as usual were excited to see him, and for some reason they all seem to have more fun together when he's drunk  which seems kinda screwey to me. Is that a good thing or a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad when he's sober, he just seems to mess around with them more and they enjoy it more.

Tonight didn't go to bad. He was spoiling for a fight and didn't like me ignoring him, but I didn't have anything to say to him. I got the kids to bed and when I went downstairs, I came back up to find the kids sitting on the sofa with him  so of course I was the bad guy when I sent them up to bed. I was such a bad guy they didn't even want me to take them up to bed, they just wanted daddy!!!

Not long ater that he fell asleep on the chair so at least I got to watch Hairspray on DVD for the first time (good movie, little slow but I enjoyed the ending. Didn't like John Travolter though, especially the voice and accent!!!). Towards the end of the movie he woke up and kept trying to shove his private in my face  (how romantic and charming!!!) Then he realised the chair was wet cos he wet himself and he decided to blame me!!!

He then took himself off to bed and he's supposed to be at work at 7am, lets see if he can make it!!!

The reason is simple, although I am aware of God's promise to help my husband deal with his drink problem, I am also aware that it won't happen overnight. My husband has to make a conscious effort NOT to drink and to find another way of dealing with problems without resorting to a can of larger. He also has to learn to stop when he has had enough, rather than waiting until he has run out of money or is passed out.

God can do miracles, but some things take a little longer and we have to have patience. God has a plan for our lives and ours is not to question why but just to ask Him for guidance and accept that everything he does for us is because He loves us.

But whilst I'm waiting for God to change my husband, I realised that I needed something now. Somewhere I could write and record my own feelings and fears, where no one would judge either of us and where I could be totally honest. A place where I can vent, cry and find healing as I bear my soul.

Just as my husband needs to find a way to deal with his problems without resorting to alcohol, I also need to find a way to deal with the feelings I have when he is drunk or out drinking.

I have no one I can talk to who won't judge, apart from my pastor, but she has her own life to live as well and I don't like keep contacting her whenever he is drunk or out drinking. I know it's what she's there for and that she wouldn't mind as she is that sort of person, but I am not. I'm a shy person except when I'm online. Online I can be who I want to be, a more confident and happy person.

Hubby had a day off from work today and he decided to go and look for our missing 7yr old cat. Our 1st baby as we've had her almost as long as we've been together. She's missing in a town about 40 miles away after I asked a girl from work to watch her whilst we went away and this girl then went and let the cat out!!! He spent Tuesday looking for her and went again today, so that's £12 on train fare for 2 days searching and still no sign of her.

For some reason, when he left to catch the train he took £30 from the bank but then he claimed his reasons were so I would call him and confront him about taking so much! We spoke several times on the phone and after he'd taken a further £10 out of the bank, making it £40 he had I started to get cross and accused him of leaving us with no money for food for the week and that the cat wasn't even worth £40 so why the hell did he need so much money to find her. He claimed he needed some for lunch and that chips were expensive where he was, to which I countered where did he go? The Ritz? I asked him if he'd been drinking and he denied that he had, but I can always tell through his voice when he has and I knew he was lying and had been drinking. I even told him that he won't find the cat in the pub as I very much doubt she'd go there.

I guessed what time train he would arrive home on so I took the kids to the train station to meet him. He didn't seem that happy to see us and as soon as I saw him I could tell he was drunk. He didn't care though and was spoiling for a fight. When I said we needed to go shopping for something for tea, he claimed he needed the toilet and headed towards the public loos. Somehow I wasn't surprised when he wasn't at home when we arrived home. Somehow I wasn't surprised when he wouldn't answer his phone, and somehow I'm not surprised that nearly two hours later he isn't home.

I'm so sick of being the responsible one. Why can't I be the one who disappears for the whole day, with no kids, doing what I want and wasting £40. I can't remember when I last spent so much money on myself!!! My bra's are falling too pieces and so are my clothes, but I would rather spend all my money on my kids than on myself and it doesn't feel fair at all. We haven't got much money, and his £40 has left us with out £30 for the week to buy food for 5!!!

I know he's upset about the cat. I've seen him get tearful over her bowls and not seeing her, and I know wondering around a strange town calling for her and thinking every black cat is her is gonna be hard. But still that's no excuse to get drunk and I dread to think what the inhabitants thought seeing this strange man walking through town shouting a name over and over with a can of larger in one hand and a bag with more cans in the other.

I wonder what time he'll be home?? No doubt when he comes in he'll be spoiling for an argument and will soon pass out. Guess for the WHOLE of today, including bed and bath time, I'm a single parent.