Today is the 1st August 2008 and the day I decided to write a blog. I realised when I sent my husband a text, he will not read or care about, I needed someplace to write my thoughts and feelings and this is how it all started.

Hubby had a day off from work today and he decided to go and look for our missing 7yr old cat. Our 1st baby as we've had her almost as long as we've been together. She's missing in a town about 40 miles away after I asked a girl from work to watch her whilst we went away and this girl then went and let the cat out!!! He spent Tuesday looking for her and went again today, so that's £12 on train fare for 2 days searching and still no sign of her.

For some reason, when he left to catch the train he took £30 from the bank but then he claimed his reasons were so I would call him and confront him about taking so much! We spoke several times on the phone and after he'd taken a further £10 out of the bank, making it £40 he had I started to get cross and accused him of leaving us with no money for food for the week and that the cat wasn't even worth £40 so why the hell did he need so much money to find her. He claimed he needed some for lunch and that chips were expensive where he was, to which I countered where did he go? The Ritz? I asked him if he'd been drinking and he denied that he had, but I can always tell through his voice when he has and I knew he was lying and had been drinking. I even told him that he won't find the cat in the pub as I very much doubt she'd go there.

I guessed what time train he would arrive home on so I took the kids to the train station to meet him. He didn't seem that happy to see us and as soon as I saw him I could tell he was drunk. He didn't care though and was spoiling for a fight. When I said we needed to go shopping for something for tea, he claimed he needed the toilet and headed towards the public loos. Somehow I wasn't surprised when he wasn't at home when we arrived home. Somehow I wasn't surprised when he wouldn't answer his phone, and somehow I'm not surprised that nearly two hours later he isn't home.

I'm so sick of being the responsible one. Why can't I be the one who disappears for the whole day, with no kids, doing what I want and wasting £40. I can't remember when I last spent so much money on myself!!! My bra's are falling too pieces and so are my clothes, but I would rather spend all my money on my kids than on myself and it doesn't feel fair at all. We haven't got much money, and his £40 has left us with out £30 for the week to buy food for 5!!!

I know he's upset about the cat. I've seen him get tearful over her bowls and not seeing her, and I know wondering around a strange town calling for her and thinking every black cat is her is gonna be hard. But still that's no excuse to get drunk and I dread to think what the inhabitants thought seeing this strange man walking through town shouting a name over and over with a can of larger in one hand and a bag with more cans in the other.

I wonder what time he'll be home?? No doubt when he comes in he'll be spoiling for an argument and will soon pass out. Guess for the WHOLE of today, including bed and bath time, I'm a single parent.

Some days I think it would be better if I was all the time. But I made my vows in front of God and I have to honour them, for better or worse and trust that one day this will be a distant memory as I have a new man through God in my husband!